If I had to die for someone

If I had to die for someone
Could I die for someone?

Being a hero is something absolutely everyone wants to be. At least as a child. I think that growing older dispels a lot of illusions.

Whenever I read books, I form a sort of mental picture of what is happening, and I think I'm usually in the picture, even if I'm not (mentally) the protagonist. I think when I was a kid, the boundaries between me and the protagonist were not clearly defined. In my head, I was me and the protagonist as well. Now, I can say to myself when I'm reading: no, I would not do that, I wouldn't react like this.

Anyway, getting off the point! The point was that, then, having fantastic adventures and doing the most daring things didn't seem too much. I also didn't care much about wearing seatbelts, bandaids, looking both ways when crossing a road, playing with matches, locking the doors.....all the things mentioned in the song(by Petra, If I had to Die for Someone)

Does growing older make one a coward?! Is it maturity/wisdom to be afraid or is it just becoming a scaredy-cat!
(i wonder...becoming like one of these little ones to enter the kingdom....)

Now I really do wonder whether I would be a hero in a life threatening situation! Maybe I'd just run away and hide! Could I swallow my fear and face torture and pain? Or the shame of having everyone see me shamed! I'm pretty sure I couldn't.
So how could I understand the way you died for me
cause I don't know if I could, even if i think I would
If I had to die for someone
If I had to die for someone else like me.

the shadow rising

finally, finally, finally finished reading it.
it's been so long since i took this long to read a book. what's wrong with me?

anyway, it's done leaving me(of course) with a yearning for more of the same, all decent books tend to do that, to keep authors earning their bread with regularity. the worst thing about college timings(and more importantly, racecar-building-club timings)is that they do tend to keep one away from books! there's so many things to shelve: reading, listening to music, watching movies, going out with friends, even church...the list goes on.
those 72 hours in july next year had better be darn good.

so shadow rising....well the book started off reaaal slow. in fact i dawdled like anything over the first half. it got better as it went on, though, the only flipside being characters like Rand really getting on my nerves at times, with his harem of girls. two at the same time is one thing, and is even understandable, but three?!! at the same time? what a male slut. no word for that of course.... no there is, i checked: a rake! okay, that sounds like the Marquis of Vidal or Lord Damerel, it's strange to apply it to Rand, he's not quite high-class enough!

there was a lot of repetition of stuff too, specially the way they keep contrasting the sexes. i don't think there's literally that much difference. it's not like boys and girls can never understand one another in real life! there's more difference between people from different social classes than between sexes. except that, seriously, i don't understand boys and their disgusting habits at times!

anyway, the ending was good, the Forsaken are finally coming out into the open, in ways not entirely predictable. its good plotting. complex weaving into the Pattern of an imaginary world...:)

random thought: i wonder why books are never written about farmboys who stay farmboys all their lives and who marry farmgirls instead of princesses!

insanity

the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome.
writing sessionals seems pretty insane to me!

leah....:)

awww.....the sweetheart!!!









Too small for her boots?











Hey you, whaddya looking at?













Not now, my hair's a mess!

The Great Darkness..

It's been a long time since i last wrote! The exams and the lazy satisfaction that followed since the holidays began precluded my even thinking about posting something here. Or my having material to write about, for that that matter. These last two weeks I've been busy interning in a microfinance company, too: too exhausted on returning from a day spent shadowing field agents under the hot Delhi sun to even think of writing. Which brings me to the reason for this post. Two things.

• Living in a comfortable upper middle class family is a mere throw of the dice where nine times out of ten, a child born in India is sentenced to a life in 'the Great darkness' as Arvind Adiga so aptly describes it in 'The White Tiger'(one of the only things which struck me and stuck in my head after reading it; I wasn't exactly thrilled by the book otherwise). In the end it's all down to where you're born. That determines your world view, your attitudes, principles, skills, opportunities: in short pretty much sets a course for your life. Changing the course is always possible, of course, but one may have to work so much harder and try just a little more without being fazed when staring at defeat. It's just easier for some. Anyway, this was the first time I've actually come in touch with the other India, the India I always knew existed but never thought about; wrapped up in my own comfortable, narrow life. And it makes you feel so small. Just the magnitude of what the people are facing: it's just life on a high wire, you do your best to stay on top but even a small movement precipitates you down, down, down. And so much the worse for you if you don't have a safety net below you, some backup in case you, say, lose the wage earner of your family in a tragedy. I don't know what I would be in a situation where you fight every day just to bring home food for your (many many) children. How can this problem be solved?!!! Educating 5 billion people is simply not possible for individuals and our Government, whether it tries its best or not, is not really an 'it', it's thousands of 'hes' and 'shes', all human and only too fallible. It's depressing and the only way I can get rid of that is by getting this into my head(difficult!). There is seriously nothing I can do about it, and working in a small way, if it helps a few thousand people, will ultimately be of some use, even if it doesn't solve all national problems. Also, I shouldn't be selfish in my attitudes or in my actions. Ever. And look forward to heaven, which is in reality the only place which can be ultimately perfect!!
• It's no wonder people escape through(in India) Bollywood and cricket. Not a single house i went to to collect repayments was missing a TV, not even the houses with just a single room and no toilet. It's so easy to escape into a different world! Like football..!! Spain lost in their first Group H game of the World Cup today, to a team they've beaten in the last 18 times they've met, in spite of the fact that they've had a 12 game unbeaten run ,and have been beaten just once in 48 games. I just went on thinking "WHY!Why!why!!' and ruing the fact that the team which plays the most beautiful game, and which everyone loves for the loveliness of its wonderful passing game almost never wins a big tournament no matter how much(in fact less with an increase in the amount that) they're hyped. For two hours I've been going around with a long face, almost determined to go into mourning in earnest.

What different situations, really, but it's just funny how depression comes in all forms, isn't it? The first thing is so real you drown in its magnitude, the second, apart from the joy of pure entertainment, is pretty shallow and insignificant, really, but the intensity of emotion is there for both cases. Funny.

superpowerssss

wondering what to say....
words rise so quickly to the mouth sometimes and sometimes the only things that rise (to it) are utter rubbish!!
why am i posting this rubbish??
hehe...
i love the rain!!! when it's not wetting me!! Percy Jackson(if in any universe he was a real person) is so lucky: to be able to keep from getting wet and to be able to breathe underwater!! i wish i had a water related superpower.....any superpower would be fine actually. okay let's make a list...

• flying would be top!!!oh yeah:D
• superspeed: any kind!!!
• hmm...being able to breathe underwater and swim really deep
• hmmm...magic! this is generic, so maybe it should go top because then i can do all the rest too
• to be able to talk to animals
• telepathy
• invisibility: but actually it would be kind of pointless unless i was a criminal or a person who needs it for exciting adventures to fight evil scary monsters(sadly I'm neither).

i think the most useful power though would be to be able to control the weather..!!it would definitely make you the most popular superhero anyway!!;P

Time stealing...

Sessional time again...
I wonder why time passes so terribly fast when you're enjoying yourself and slows right down at the not-so-good times(cough, exams, cough).
I'm sure it's not as simple as our simply not noticing it. How could we just not notice time passing, having had it ingrained in us to count time since our earliest childhood? There's probably a secret group of people who steal other people's good times out of jealousy. Just as people can encroach on other people's land and steal their parking spaces, the Time-Stealers(?) steal the time part from the fabric of space-time. Terry Pratchettish stuff....
That's why bad times last longer.
I'm sure of it.

some paintings by van gogh

Starry night over the Rhone

Starry night

The Night Cafe

Not that I know anything worth knowing about art, but I had always thought the modern artishness of Van Gogh's paintings was not for me....but surprisingly when I came across these(Google Images...lol) , I loved them!

Especially the first one. It reminds me of something. Sometimes, these things can trigger your memory, making you feel as if you've been in that place or something like it, whether in a dream, or in a flight of imagination. You want to be there at all events!

His colours are so very vivid. Whether you like the paintings or not, I think the sheer jumpiness of it would definitely get under your skin! They leap right at you! 'Starry Night' especially, though from the outside I thought it looked like a kid splashing paints around for fun. Though the painting is anything but fun. What sort of thoughts must have been running through his mind to produce stuff like that!!

And he seems to have loved stars too...:)

Who's The Best?

It's as unstoppable as life itself. Man wasn't put on the Earth to exist singly. And no one could. Man is a social animal, after all. And with society comes strife, to constantly show yourself to be the best. To prove to others, in fact, that there is something different about you: something you have or do which your 6 billion planet-mates cannot match. Most people would feel something like this, in differing degrees of intensity. Why are prizes given at all to the best people in a certain field? Why else do advertising hoardings constantly read: "the No 1 brand " or "best in the world"?

And this comes out more in sports than anything else. In sports winning and being the best is the primary concern, for all the talk about 'sportsmanship'. Most successful sports stars show by their actions that they prefer to win dirty than not win at all.

Thinking of the Barcelona-Arsenal CL quarterfinal this week. As soon as a talented player like Messi scores 3 or more goals, the next day's news headlines read "Is Messi the best player in the world?" "Is Messi the best player EVER?". Whenever Rooney or Torres are in form, their managers, teammates, the press all join the chorus of "best striker in the world". While I am an ardent football fan, I wish they would button up sometimes. No magazine article can ever be definitive on such a topic. They just always end in more questions about whether you can compare between different eras, between different styles.

So why compare at all? Let's just enjoy the football, shall we?

The need to know...

i wonder what it feels like to know everything...to know everything about every single living thing in the whole wide world: all their habits, likes and dislikes, what has happened to them, what will happen to them. even though i usually like to know everything, it's scary to even think about! non-living things are somehow less scary for some reason. cos they're not at all unexpected. usually, anyway. living things always tend to surprise you! omniescience(did i spell it right?) is scary!

Look Up!!

Clouds!!!

*heart heart heart*!!

Mind Matters

The clock's ticking it's way towards 1.00 of the new day now, but in spite of a BET morning class (albeit at 9) tomorrow, i feel like writing this down. In fact just as I was all set to go to sleep, I restarted my computer to write this down. The reason? Eric Milligan. This may seem mysterious to any not familiar with the cast of my favourite TV show, 'Bones'. Mr Millegan is Dr Zach Addy on the show-the genius kid, in the middle of two doctorates (one in forensic anthropology and one in applied engineering), but who can't even understand sarcasm. Anyway, I adore Zach on the show: he provides much of the comedy. In actual fact, he is adorable; in spite of (one might say because of) his utter incomprehension when faced with a perfectly normal social situation. When he was cut out of the show, after Season 3, most people seem to have shared my reaction of"NO!You CAN'T do that!!". Well, they could. Anyway, the fact is, this guy made people love him in spite of the fact that he's openly gay. No matter how liberal people think they are in the US, there's always homophobia. This (the 'openly' part) is the smart thing to do, I suppose: if you're out of the closet to begin with, people really can't make snide comments or assumptions about you. Well, anyway, no one seems to talk about his sexuality in a negative way at all.



That was just the intro. The shocking/ distressing part is here. He really is one of the stereotypical artistic types(he sings, um....splendidly..;)...) with the creative talent, homosexuality...and the mental illness. Even while he was creating Zach's character on screen, Eric(sort of feels weird saying that! It's not like he's my friend!) was battling bipolar disorder. Now from all my mum's told me(she's a psychiatrist), I can't for the life of me imagine one of her patients as a successful TV star. Ok, it's true they're often crazy! It just seems impossible, though, that one can carry on acting regularly, week after week; in spite of the enforced mood swings. Now the reason I know this is because he came out with a video on YouTube in which he describes his experience dealing with his mental illness. And after seeing that, i realise again why people would love him. He's just so open. The way he says things (especially in that overgrown kid style) makes you want to cry and hug him, especially when you feel so sorry for him. His story is just truly real. He articulates it wonderfully, the way he puts his emotions into words actually puts me into that situation, makes me look at the world through his eyes. The best storytellers and writers do do that. He could easily be one. It was touching with a capital T. Or maybe all caps. TOUCHING, then. I can't imagine how anyone could go out and work while going through BD. It's the scariest thing I could ever imagine happening to me. The mind should be a person's last refuge. When your mind begins to play tricks on you, nothing is safe, the world spins out of control and becomes utter chaos; and I know from real life that it is a heart-rending matter for all involved: for the patient (i feel like saying 'victim'), and for the family and friends, too. The fact that he could go out each day and make his character what it was on screen is truly proof of his courage and determination. Whether he was crying his eyes out before the cameras started rolling, or not; none of it showed. I can tell you that from the bottom of my heart, I feel for him. And I'm inspired too.

The Ultimate End

Death seems like a pretty gloomy topic to write about but it's in the air right now.

• I just finished reading 'The Book thief" Kav's favourite book ,which is narrated by it. Did I just write 'it'?? That sounded strange! TO rephrase, it was narrated by a personified figure, Death.(Not like the Discworld figure, with the scythe, skeleton and cloak: it was a more vague figure, actually, I don't recall even a single description of his appearance. But this is completely irrelevant. Moving on)

• Our play yesterday for the easter program was all about it, about how death finds everyone. (It went off great! And it was an original Manipal EU production, that's enough.)

• Also, there was an accident on Saturday. A boy from Section H drowned off St Mary's Island. His name was Rahul Ranjan. I haven't talked to him, nor did I even know he existed. It's jolting, though. It's the third accidental death in college in two months(the other two being road accidents). The point is, though, that this makes me see that death is not exclusively the prerogative of old people. This probably sounds rather heartless, but when I hear of Appacha and Ammachi's friends passing on, it doesn't really touch me. I do feel sad, in a way, of course, but it just seems normal somehow. I don't think I've even seen a dead body up close, not since Appacha's death when I was seven. And I can't remember that. I haven't even been to a funeral since then. As young people, we just don't stop to think, do we? But I really can die tomorrow, if it's in God's plan for me. Death makes everyone so serious somehow. I'm thinking of the memorial service in the quadrangle in break today as an example. It makes you sad. And pardon the self centredness, but it does make you think of what would happen if you died too.Hmm....this is becomin gloooomy. Let's move onto a better topic.

• Easter Week. Sounds like the gloomiest bit of all. It's not though. The great thing about Good Friday and Easter is that it's good. We celebrate! The saddest death of all turns about to be the best news ever.

And that just about wraps up the entire thing about death for me.

Gloom to Gladness

Let's staart

This blog's been lying empty and wasted for a while now, so i thought i would start writing a little now. And what better time to do it than the day before my second sessionals start, right? All my creative outbursts seem to occur at precisely these times, anyhow. My sketchbook, for one thing, saw unusual activity during February and March last year. This can be just another reason to allow your mind to be diverted from the far more tiring business of laying down the foundations for a career. On the other hand, if that's what it takes to produce good art or music, should one really stop the flow of creativity to do such tiring work? I put it to you..

Anyway, my prinicipal objection to writing on this blog was just that the entire world could read it if they wanted, and I tend to not like people reading the things I write unless I'm sure that it's not nonsense! Now, though, I see that to read someone's blog takes a lot of effort anyway, and I wonder just how much effort I myself would take to read someone else's blog. Ha! Well, whether I'm writing for myself or for the entire world(99.999% of whch has not the slightest idea that i even exist), I'm just going to go on writing from now on!
Ta then..
Till next time..
WHAT's the English portion for tomorrow????